Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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