I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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