I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
