3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
