I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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