my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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