im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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