People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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