she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
