So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize