A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
