genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
