Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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