Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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