2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
