You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
