woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
