My brain says no but my pants say off.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
