can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
