I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
