Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
