DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
