Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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