your thong is hanging out like whoa
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
