The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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