dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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