I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
