Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
