You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
