it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
