omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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