you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
