if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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