I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
