I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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