Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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