i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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