I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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