I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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