They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
