I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
