My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
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This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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