So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
