all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him