I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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