Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
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You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
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Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol