fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
