Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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