She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
