I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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