There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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