I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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