Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
