If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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