I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
