By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
