we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
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i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
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Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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